I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
