i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
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