a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
