I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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