are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
