I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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