If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
The beers last night were like the tears from god
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
