god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
