Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
