is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Randomize
