is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Randomize
