I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Randomize
