Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
