i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Randomize
