he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
