Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
