Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
