I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
