Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize
