Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Randomize
