They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
