On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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