Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Randomize
