For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
