Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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