i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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