I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
