She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize
