But, the reference to being horny and then blending a banana is troubling
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
