i jhust puked up my retainher.
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
you traded sex for a burrito?
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I can feel your judgement through the phone
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
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