Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
