Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Randomize
