I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Randomize
