Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
