glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
