you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
