he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
