you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
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