Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Randomize
