by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Randomize
