watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
why do cheetos always look like penises
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
