New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Randomize
