I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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