I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
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