I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
He kissed a someone with a penis
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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