Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Liz is crying about burritos again.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Randomize