So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
