Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Randomize
