Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
