this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
