She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize