you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
