plz talk dirty to me
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
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