but the lizard people decide everything anyway
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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