i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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