I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Randomize
