you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Randomize
