Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Can I color on your dick again?
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Randomize
